1.Timon/Pumbaa Watched Nala/Simba Have Sex… While Singing About It
The Lion King’s Simba and Nala were Disney’s version Zach and Kelly from “Saved By TheBell,” even down to a hit love ballad and a romantic-romance-rekindling-in-the-woods montage to rival any Robin Hood film. Who could forget that beautiful moment when they finally looked into each other’s eyes, rubbed heads, and had a crap load of spring break style off screen lion sex? Simba’s buddies Timon and Pumba certainly remember, because they watched the entire thing. And sang about it while it was happening.
On the one hand, they don’t have a lot going on besides eating bugs and farting. But on the other hand, put yourself in Simba’s paws. It’s your first time and she’s your dream girl. Yet your pervy uncle is watching behind the closet door. It gets worse. You can hear him singing about what you’re doing. Can you feel the love tonight? Hell, can you even get the love up tonight?
2.Upon Nemo’s Mother’s Death, Marlin Would’ve Turned Into a Female and Mated with Nemo
Finding Nemo is probably one of the best Pixar movies. Albert Brooks acts his heart out as Marlin, the clown fish father of young, lost Nemo, whom he undertakes a desperate adventure to find. His comedic foil, Dory, is so funny and endearing that she’s getting her own spin off movie. Throw in a fantastic set of supporting characters from Crush, the surfer turtle, to sharks that have sworn off fish, and you have a fantastic movie.
Except that Nemo’s facts about clownfish are WAY off. If you’re going to anthropomorphize an animal, at least get a few things straight. Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites, meaning they are males first, and develop into females as they mature. So, Marlin should have been Marla, and would have never been friends with Dory because chicks, amiright? And with only two clownfish present, Nemo would have been first in line to mate with his mom. This becomes a much different movie, and probably a play at a lot of fringe theatre festivals, if Pixar was to have gotten their science right.
What are the odds that there is already some erotic fanfiction out there correcting this oversight?
3.Velociraptors Sounds From Jurassic Park Are Really Turtles Having Sex
Is there anything cooler or more terrifying than the velociraptors in Jurassic Park? The answer is no. No, there is not. They hunt in packs, they are problem solving predators, and if they could, one would have earned its pilot license.
And of course, there are the super scary and intense noises they make, which have haunted your dreams since you first saw those things stalk Timmy and Lex into that kitchen. Those completely inhuman snarls and barks that made your lame little sister hide her eyes… are actually the sounds of turtles having sex.
Sound designer Gary Rydstrom was recording sounds for the film at Marine World when an employee asked if he wanted to record the turtles having sex. It sounded like a good idea and that he’d get plenty of audio, since with turtles, slow and steady wins the race.
And besides, what else were the employees at Marine World going to be doing that day? Not sit around watching turtles get it on?
4.Super Shredder Was Played By An Injury-Prone Wrestler Nobody Liked
How in the hell do you top a Ninja Turtle fight sequence so awesome that it inspired Vanilla Ice and his crew to spontaneously group write a song and dance number? By mutating Shredder into… THE SUPER SHREDDER! Super Shredder! He’s awesome! He’s huge! He hates docks! He’s…
Well, he’s Kevin Nash, a super boring and injury prone pro wrestler.
He’s landed other sweet gigs like WCW’s Oz and WWF’s super cool Diesel (a Pixar version of a Sons of Anarchy extra). I mean, Super Shreds is sort of a chump anyway, since he gets taken out by some falling wood, but at least he was able to walk 6 steps before an injury took him out.
If they really wanted a pro wrestler to play Super Shredder, they should have cast Nash’s best friend Scott Hall, AKA the WWF’s Razor Ramon.
5.The Wizard of Oz Director Was a Nazi Sympathizer
The Wizard of Oz: It’s a wholesome family classic. It’s a timeless tale of courage and friendship. And it was directed by a Nazi. Famed director Victor Fleming, described as “violently pro-Nazi,” was not thrilled when the United States joined the Allies, and was tapping his ruby slippers that the United Kingdom would fall to ol’ Adolf.
This one really makes a guy wish that jetpacks had been invented, so something mildly Rocketeer-ish could have happened on the set of the Emerald City.
So, next time you turn on The Wizard of Oz to share that wholesome movie experience with your kids, remember: when Victor Fleming’s world went from black and white to color, there were no Jews in it.
6.Mel Blanc Voiced All of Geppetto’s Pets…But It Got Cut
Disney’s Pinocchio was a pretty solid movie. The characters were memorable, it won an Oscar for its great song, and as far as we know, none of its directors were Indiana Jones villains.
But, did you know that Pinocchio could have been EVEN BETTER? The voice of Bugs Bunny and the man of a thousand voices, Mel Blanc, recorded speaking roles for Geppetto’s pets. The dialogue was all cut when the directors decided that the pets should be muted.
Who cuts Bugs Bunny out of a movie? Remember all that weird crap with kids that turn into donkeys and a whale and that giant evil guy that had a mustache? You know what that stuff needed? A talking cat cracking wise, that’s what! Bugs Bunny could have done for marionette crafting what he did for the NBA in the 90s! You need to cut time, Disney? Cut the cricket. Leave the Blanc.
7.Will Smith Shouldn’t Have Been Able To Save Earth In Independence Day
Independence Day is awesome. So is the movie. Bill Pullman, Will Smith, and Jeff Goldblum fighting aliens with Mac computers is what made me truly love America.
It’s a shame the movie should have only been five minutes long.
When the alien mothership docked between our planet and the moon, the sheer size of the thing should have caused some gravitational problems with the tides.
Like, enough gravitational problems to turn Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day into Roland Emmerich’s 2012.
Independence Day should have ended way before Will Smith called anything a close encounter, and way before we found out about Goldblum’s hard to follow love affair with the president’s not wife who works for the president, but doesn’t date him anymore.
But it shouldn’t end before Vivica A. Fox’s stripper scene. In fact, title credits, Fox pole dancing, tidal wave. It’s the perfect Emmerich film.
BY Joe Starr